Well it is only 3:30 in the afternoon and i can tell the day is going to suck. that is b/c the day has already sucked.

The day started out ok but it turned to crap about a half hour ago.

I am sorry that i could not guess the song you were playing on the piano.

I am not mad at you.

All of the emotions that i have been hiding for the last 2 months have started to surface as rage and anger. I have no idea what to do with all the rage and anger right now. nothing seems to take them away.

I LOVE YOU

ratus smiled 03:28 p.m. Monday, August 5, 2002

Two weeks and a day left till i am back in NH with my LOVE.

With the events of the past week i feel as if i should have something extremely helpful and meaningful. But i don't for that i feel really bad.

All i can say is that everything will get better soon.

Sorry that i don't have much to say here. i will try to make a longer entry sometime this week.

I LOVE YOU

Todays Quote's:

"Maverick: Requesting permission for flyby.
Air Boss Johnson: That's a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full."
From Top Gun. Favorite movie.

"I'll be as patient as a gentle stream"
Two G of V, Act ii, Sc.6
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 09:13 p.m. Sunday, August 4, 2002

Today really sucks.

I took yesterday off from work b/c i was feeling under the weather and today it not any better. Today i feel even worse then yesterday.

Today i must go to work to make the mean green. This way i can have some kind of money to spend when i get back up to NH to be with my Love and for when we are back down here for college.

I wonder when should i tell my boss that i can't work past August 16th. Maybe You can help me work that out please.

I will call my love sometime between 9 and 10 tonight. hopefully i have a long run at that time. if not it will have to be alot of short conversations.

I LOVE YOU.

ratus smiled 03:38 p.m. Monday, July 29, 2002

I HATE EMOTIONS (especially mine). Mine always seem to ruin everything.

I am going to stop talking, stop feeling, and stop whatever else i can think of.

I know this is kinda rude but with how i am feeling right now it is all that i can say.

I have this whole speech thing in my head that i want to say to YOU but i don't think i will b/c i love you to much.

ratus smiled 11:01 a.m. Wednesday, July 24, 2002

i am very tired. i don't mean tired in the physical sense. I mean mentally i am.

I am so tired of putting on a happy face whenever i am out with ppl even though i am not happy. I must be pretty good at hiding the fact that i very lonely and very unhappy.
Everyone is saying that they want this summer back b/c it has been so awful. I will agree that this summer has been awful for a lot of ppl including me.
I can't always tell everyone how i am feeling b/c i don't want to make their days worse then it may already be.

I can say there was only about a month of pure happiness this summer. If i could i would make the rest of the summer just like that one month.
I thought work would so how distract me...NOT!
I thought that my friends would be able to keep me distracted with their on going problems but that did not help me at all.
The only parts of the summer after that one month that were and are truely happy are when i am talking to YOU. So how knowing how your day was, or is depending on the time, brings happiness back into my life.
At times after we get off the phone at night i lay in my bed thinking to myself how stupid i am for leaving you up there alone. I have realized that is why i have problems sleeping at night.

I know i should have just wrote an email but i thought it would be best to write here. if you want i can take it down later.

Even though i do that i still tell the truth of how i am feelling to you everyday.

Tonights Quote:

"Its not enough to speak, but to speak true"
Mid N Dr, Act v, Sc.1
Shakespeare

I LOVE YOU

ratus smiled 07:35 p.m. Tuesday, July 23, 2002

I hate being sick

What Goth Are you?

Today really did suck. I was doing fine until about an hour ago. Then i lost my lunch at work no less. This really sucks.

In other news
what am i saying there is no other news.

I LOVE YOU

will post a quote later maybe

ratus smiled 07:32 p.m. Monday, July 22, 2002

I went and saw MIB 2 tonight. thought it was funny. Best part of going was seeing the trailer for the next Star Trek movie
When i was leaving the theater i can't explain why but i started to feel really awful. And i still do right now.
i spent the last few minutes crying and i have no idea why.

I LOVE YOU

Tonights quote:

"When to the sessions of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought"
Sonnet 30
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 06:52 p.m. Saturday, July 20, 2002

I am so tired. i got about 3 hours and 40 minutes of sleep. and only about 2 hours of that was constant. I can't call in to work b/c i don't want to lose my job. Even though i should call in so i can get some sleep. But oh well. At least i will be out of my house for a awhile but i will not be able to talk to my BABY tonight for i won't be home till around 1am

*starts crying*

ihave no garrentees that i will be out on a long run tonight between 9 and 10 to call her to hear her voice even in the slightest.

Sorry in a bad mood. tired, grumpy, pissed off, and maybe hungry.

No quote to tired to look for one.

ratus smiled 04:16 p.m. Friday, July 19, 2002

I feel very very sleepy. I now have a new found respect to all those pizza deliverey drivers. Even though i have only been doing that for a 3 days i really hate it. But i need the money.

I love YOU

i am going to start to save the money i bring home every night from work.

ratus smiled 03:28 a.m. Wednesday, July 17, 2002

I am so scared right now. My life is so messed up i guess that i can't descripe it.

I did not get to talk to my BABY much yesterday and when i did it was not a happy time. I am sorry. I understand that you need time a lone especially after what happened yesterday. I LOVE RACHEL with all of my heart.

I wish there were something i could do to makes things better. I know that saying sorry won't cut it.

I love YOU and I always will.

ratus smiled 01:00 p.m. Monday, July 15, 2002

I don't know where to start with explaining my day. It started off like usually very boring. went to work. went home. When i got home my life was turned and twisted in every direction imaginable. There is only one thing that is constant in my life. Thank YOU being my guiding light. I love you so much. I am sorry if i caused any part of the night to be restless. GOODNIGHT WORLD

ratus smiled 02:14 a.m. Monday, July 15, 2002

A couple of days ago i was so bored i did something strange. No i did not clean my room but i think that would have been more productive. Instead i sat here at my computer and had conversations with my friends using one finger to type with. much like this entry.

I Love YOU

I thought i would just share that.

Tonights Quote:

"His life was gentle, and the elements so mixed in him that Nature might stand up and say to all the world, this was a man"
Jul.Caesar, Act v, Sc.5
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 11:56 p.m. Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Today was ok.

I found something really amazing a little bit ago. I was searching through old files on my harddrive and found an old email address i had. I went and logged into the site and to my surprise the email address is still usuable. This is very funny since i have not checked this email for close to 3 maybe 4 years. So now you can see why i was so surprised and i actually remembered the password.

I love YOU

I thought i would share that with you all.

Tonights Quote:

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them"
Twelfth N, Act ii, Sc.5
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 07:37 p.m. Tuesday, July 9, 2002

Motivation is lacking in me today. i don't know why and right now it does not bother me.
I just feel like wasting the day way in bed and doing absolutely nothing.

I don't know why i am like this today. I just am.

I love YOU.

Today's Quote:

"To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then be false to any man"
Hamlet, Act i, Sc.3
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 06:29 p.m. Saturday, July 6, 2002

I love YOU

I am sorry that i was not home when you called me earlier. I got home as i could. I happy there was no cops on my way home. I am sorry that i made you wait twice today.

My day was alright i guess. the fireworks that i went to see only lasted 10 minutes. My friend destroyed his car and in the process ran over his brother who was trying to stop the car from rolling. So that is how my day was.

I LOVE YOU RACHEL and i am sorry

Tonights quote:

"One sorrow never comes but brings an heir"
Pericles, Act i, Sc.1
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 01:16 a.m. Friday, July 5, 2002

Today was another one of those days that i can't describe here in a blog entry.

She brightens up my day whenever i talk to her no matter where i talk to her at.

I love YOU

i wish i had more to say here tonight. I am sorry that i don't

Tonights Quote:

"It is the mind that makes the body rich"
T of the S, Act iv, Sc.3
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 10:28 p.m. Wednesday, July 3, 2002

As i sit here and ponder the one question that no one can answer b/c nobody no why it is like it is. I just feel so awful and a need to be put in stasis for 45 days so it would be closer to Aug 19 so i can see and touch my LOVE again and never let go. That is the only thing i can think to make the next 1 month and 19 days go by faster.

Baby i love you so much and i wish i could be there with you but i can't and that hurts me more then you know. I tell you every chance i get to say i miss you. But those words only hit the surface of how much i miss you. I lay in my bed after we have talked at night and wish that the next day would be Aug. 19th. I know that day will come soon enough but right now i must take the pain that i feel for not being with you and hide it and look happy to everyone around me. At times that makes the day go by much faster but the only thing that really makes the day go by fast is hearing your voice every chance i get.

I understand that it is very hard for you as well. Please don't cry after reading this. I just wanted to let you and everyone who reads this how much i love and miss you.

I will never leave your side again.

I LOVE RACHEL.

tonights quote:

"Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief"
Love's L L, Act v, Sc.2
Shakespeare

ratus smiled 11:15 p.m. Sunday, June 30, 2002